Then, over the course of several months, as a way to gain control and understanding of our finances we started having weekly Financial Dates^®, where we discussed our financial situation, set money goals and created an aggressive plan for eliminating our credit card debt.

How exciting it was to be on the same financial page with my husband and to be able to laser-focus our individual strengths on achieving our combined financial goals.  Talk about amazing synergy and excitement in our marriage!  Before having our Financial Dates^® I never would have believed someone who said working on finances together could be both empowering and fun – but it truly was.

Our lives began to change dramatically. Our commitment to our Financial Dates paid off – literally, we paid off 43% of our credit card debt during our first year of Financial Dating. During our second year and a half we completely paid off all remaining credit card debt.  We now pay for purchases in cash, max out our monthly contributions to our Roth retirement accounts, and have a fully funded savings account for six months of unexpected emergencies. Both of us feel more empowered and have grown closer as a result of having our Financial Dates^® each month.

There are nine steps to the Financial Dating^® Wealth Formula that got us where we are today.  I will share four basic aspects with you to give you a general sense of the process:  1) Decide where you’ll have your Dates and create atmosphere, 2) Create connection, 3) Get financially smart and 4) Take financial action.

1. Decide Where You’ll Have Your Dates and Create Atmosphere

You don’t have to hold your dates at the desk in your office in front of the computer.  Get creative and have fun!  Pick an environment that is enjoyable to you. I have worked with couples that go to a favorite park, restaurant or coffee shop to have their dates. You might want to vary your location from time to time.

If you decide to meet at home think of a place in your home that is comfortable and inviting.  You might want to order a carry out meal and enjoy it with a glass of wine while sitting in front of the fireplace during your Financial Date.  If you have your Financial Dates at home, think about how you might create a special place in your home just for your dates.

Create a relaxing atmosphere.  When my husband and I first started having our Financial Dates, I felt overwhelmed by the amount of ground we had to cover.  To help ease the tension I would create a relaxing atmosphere by putting on some soft music, or lighting a candle and burning incense.  This had an instant calming affect on both of us. Consider trying this for yourself.  Brainstorm with your partner a list of things you could do to create a relaxing atmosphere.  You’ll be surprised at how these simple actions can help you feel more relaxed.

My husband and I also held many of our first Financial Dates® hiking on a trail!  I would grab the necessary financial papers, stuff them in my coat pocket, and we would discuss our financial numbers as we hiked. Hiking was a great way to release stress and tension that arose during our money conversations!

2. Create Connection

Let’s face it—talking about finances can be stressful, especially when you consider all the times you’ve set out to have a calm discussion about money, and it ends in an argument.  It’s important to begin your Date feeling like you’re both on the same side. It’s important that you choose a way to connect with each other that resonates for both of you. Sometimes my husband and I would read a short inspirational story or poem and other times we would share our intentions or say a prayer out loud together.

3. Get Financially Smart

Choose a few informational excerpts from a financial book or on-line article to read out loud together.  Pick something that is appropriate for your combined interests and level of understanding about finances.  Give yourselves about ten minutes or so to read a few paragraphs. Make sure you allow for a few minutes of discussion time.

4. Take Financial Action

Read your goals out loud. This is a simple but very important part of your date.  Identify your top five financial goals that you want to focus on achieving.  Review this list of goals at the beginning of each date to keep these goals in the forefront of your mind.

You might also want to break your current goals down into monthly goals.  If you do decide to create monthly goals, you’ll review them at this time as well.

Set the agenda.  During this step you’ll create and write out an agenda of things you want to accomplish or discuss during your current Date.

Simple Action Steps You Can Take Now:

Discover what’s keeping you stuck in your current financial situation with your spouse. Click here to sign up for my FREE webinar onWed.,  March 31st, “Personal Transformation Through Money: How to Consciously Achieve Your Money Goals And Create Financial Success in Your Life.”

1. Ask your partner if they would be willing to have a Date to talk about your finances.
2. Schedule a Financial Date on your calendar!

“I can’t begin to tell you how frustrating it’s been having a partner who says, ‘yes, yes, yes’ and then doesn’t come through!  My husband just won’t do his financial homework.  I’ve loved and encouraged him when he chooses positive financial behaviors but somehow it’s still too scary or hard for him to own his part. It doesn’t matter how much I encourage, cheerlead, or try to convince him otherwise.   He says he’ll work on his finances but then he doesn’t follow through. WHAT DO I DO WITH THIS?”

A client sent this email to me. I completely understood her frustration and overwhelm.  Unfortunately her situation isn’t unique.  This is a common complaint that I hear from couples.

Get curious about your reactivity

“NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”—this is usually our first reaction when we experience marriage conflict and money problems and our partner does something that we don’t like.  And when it’s in the financial arena it can drive us absolutely bonkers because it’s so directly tied to our survival fears.  Our reactive reptilian brain kicks in producing fearful thoughts like, “I’m all alone with this—he doesn’t care,” “He’s going to put me in the poor house” and “If it wasn’t for me we’d be totally broke.”

So we defer to our control tactics.  We resort to our learned behaviors that supported us in getting what we wanted in the past.  We cheerlead, “Come on honey–I know you can do it.  I sincerely believe in you.  You’ve got what it takes.” Or we get angry,  “I can’t stand it anymore. You are so inept.”  Or we rationalize, “He’s just like this because his parents were like this.”

In the area of finances the greatest challenge is to resist the urge to point our fingers at our partners and take the opportunity to do our own personal work.

Stress equals opportunity

In the book, Loving What Is, Byron Katie says: “Every stressful moment you experience is a gift that points you to your own freedom.”  If you feel reactive it’s a sure sign that you’re being given the opportunity to look inward, investigate, grow and learn something new about yourself.  This is actually the secret to transforming yourself and your situation.  It actually isn’t about getting your partner or situation to change. As long as we believe that it is about our partner we will continue to stay stuck.  And yet ironically, when we focus on our inner healing, our relationships and challenging life situations “miraculously” transform.

Most of our reactivity comes from our inner resistance to having a relationship with what is.  Something happens and in a split second our minds spin out of control and add stories that we instantly and mistakenly take on as being “the truth.”  Most of us have gotten so good at telling stories that we’re no longer able to separate fact from fiction.

My mentor, Jim Bergquist, shared a situation about a boss that he had worked for in the past.  Several times a week his boss would go into an emotional tirade after reading the daily paper.  His boss would stomp into the office and yell his frustrations at one of the employees–usually Jim.  Jim would think: “This guy is a lunatic!” “What is wrong with him?”  “How come he doesn’t like me?”   After many painful episodes with his boss, Jim made the decision to stay completely present the next time his boss yelled at him.  Jim also made the commitment to drop his internal story and judgments about his boss.  After a few days the opportunity presented itself.  This time, as his boss was yelling, Jim stayed completely present to the experience.  He noticed that his boss had a gold crown on one of his back teeth.  He saw a vein with a bluish tint popping out on the right side of his forehead.  He observed the spit as it came flying out of his boss’s mouth.  Then all of a sudden his boss stopped in mid-sentence, looked at Jim, turned around and walked into his office—he never yelled at Jim or anyone else again.

Having a relationship with What Is

When Jim was able to be completely present with what is, without resistance to his situation and without adding any additional stories, assessments or judgments, Jim experienced an internal transformation.  This in turn supported his boss in being present, which gave his boss sudden access and insight into how ridiculous he was being.

My client who emailed me was able to notice her internal story about the way she felt her husband “should be showing up with finances.”  She also knew that what she wanted most was for her husband to speak his truth.  The two of them engaged in a conversation where they shared openly and honestly with each other.  Her husband shared the ways in which he genuinely wanted to be involved with the family finances  and the ways in which he did not.  And together they created a new way to work on the family finances that resonated for both of them.

Whenever we experience reactivity to the people or situations in our lives, we are being given the golden opportunity to look inward–instead of outward.  It is through our own personal exploration and transformation that our life situations and relationships magically transform as well.