Friendly Fight: A Smarter Way to Say I’m Angry

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The following is an excerpt of an article that appeared in The Wall Street Journal.

Elizabeth Bernstein, April 19, 2011

“Darling, can we talk?

“I know you didn’t mean to upset me, but you did. I’d like to clear the air so we can quickly and maturely move on to enjoying our relationship again.”

Sound familiar?  Of course not

In a culture where it’s easy to fire off a snippy email or text, most of us have a hard time honestly expressing anger face to face. If someone upsets us, often we shout, stomp off, roll our eyes, refuse to speak to the person or complain to everyone else. Or we kid ourselves that we aren’t upset and subconsciously fume—until one day we explode over the seemingly littlest thing.

None of this, of course, is healthy for us or our relationships. Most of us could stand to learn to express anger in a more productive, less destructive way. …

For 20 years, Dr. Nancy Zapolski, a psychologist and vice president at Landmark Education, a San Francisco-based personal-development firm, has taught people how to communicate—rather than let angry feelings fester—in seminars and courses. “Where we get in trouble is when we let things build up, because if there is something that you are not saying, then there is a closeness that is just not available to you,”

Before telling someone you are angry, she advises, remind yourself of the purpose of speaking up. “The intention is not to get something off your chest or to dump something on the other person,” she says. “The intention is to restore the affinity and the love in the relationship.”

Ask yourself: Why am I really mad? What expectations did I have that weren’t met? What did I want to happen that didn’t happen? The answers will help you better understand your feelings and focus on what you need to say. People can’t read minds, Dr. Zapolski says. “It’s important to tell them what you want.”

For years, Joanna Burgraf, 30, and her brother, Peter Burgraf, 28, would fight like, well, siblings. They would yell, or hang up the phone on each other. Ms. Burgraf sometimes would cry; Mr. Burgraf once got so mad he punched a wall.

A few years ago, they each took a Landmark Education seminar and learned three steps to take when confronting someone: Tell the person why you are upset. Discover why the person did what they did. Clarify what you want them to do differently in the future.

Mr. Burgraf, a banker in Hoffman Estates, Ill., recently put what he learned into practice. Week after week, his sister was late for their regular Sunday-morning workout. One morning, after waiting for more than an hour, he told her: “Look, I have to get this off my chest. When you are late, it screws up the rest of my day. So if this continues, I won’t be able to do this anymore.”

Ms. Burgraf, a graphic designer in Mount Prospect, got the message. “Now, the second I know I can’t make it, I will tell him and ask him what he wants to do,” she says. The new on-time plan is working so well that the two now often have time for brunch afterward.

Express Yourself, in Five Steps
When we’re upset, most of us would rather not talk about it, preferring to rant or to clam up. Here’s a guide to productive anger.

Leif Parsons

1. Calm down. Take a walk, or get some sleep, to get perspective and allow your emotions to cool. Think about exactly what disappointed you. Ask the other person to talk. Say, ‘When is a convenient time?’

Leif Parsons

2. Acknowledge the difficulty of having this conversation. ‘This is hard for me to say, and it may be hard for you to hear.’ Saying  this out loud will make your words less threatening and defuse the other person’s anger and their possibly defensive reaction.

Leif Parsons

3. Say ‘I,’ not ‘you.’ Don’t say, ‘You did ___ wrong.’ Say, ‘I felt hurt when you did___.’ ‘When you accuse someone, they have to fight back,’ says Mark Goulston, Los Angeles psychiatrist. ‘When you share what you feel underneath, it gives the other person some room.

Leif Parsons

4. Find out why. Ask for the other person’s point of view. Say, ‘I know you probably didn’t mean to hurt me. Why did you do it?’ Really listen to the answer.

Leif Parsons

5. Say everything. This is your chance to put it all on the table and talk about how you can change the situation in the future. ‘Could you please do this differently next time?’ A hug wouldn’t hurt.

Friendly Fight: A Smarter Way to Say I’m Angry – Podcast

In a culture where it’s easy to fire off a snippy email or text, most of us have a hard time honestly expressing anger face to face. If someone upsets us, often we shout, stomp off, roll our eyes, refuse to speak to the person or complain to everyone else. Or we kid ourselves that we aren’t upset and subconsciously fume—until one day we explode over the seemingly littlest thing.

None of this, of course, is healthy for us or our relationships. Most of us could stand to learn to express anger in a more productive, less destructive way. …

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Couples and Money: Transforming Money Relationship Struggles Through Conscious Awareness- Podcast

We can learn a lot about ourselves and begin to transform our interactions and relationships when we set the intention to become aware of the internal conversations that we have about other people in our lives.

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Couples and Money:Transforming Money Relationship Struggles Through Conscious Awareness

Click here to listen to the podcast

We can learn a lot about ourselves and begin to transform our interactions and relationships when we set the intention to become aware of the internal conversations that we have about other people in our lives; especially couples and money discussions.

It often seems like we don’t have any power to transform our interactions with others – especially if we indulge in judgment and critical thinking about someone or frequently find ourselves disagreeing or getting upset with others.

In the heat of the moment it often seems like the other person is at fault. However, when we believe that other people are the source of our feelings, we are unintentionally giving away our power to change our situation and instead are left with waiting for others to change. Read more

How Couples Can Talk About Money in A Calm and Productive Way Through A Financial Date®

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Many years ago I was interviewed by Sydney Carlino, a certified Financial Representative. Sydney wanted to learn more about my concept of Financial Dating® and how I guide couples to talk about money in a way that is fun and connecting instead of volatile and separating.

I’m including some of the key points from our interview to support you in working with your partner instead of against your partner when it comes to talking about money. Read more

Couples Talk About Money in A Calm and Productive Way Through A Financial Date®- Podcast

Many years ago I was interviewed by Sydney Carlino, a certified Financial Representative. Sydney wanted to learn more about my concept of Financial Dating® and how I guide couples to talk about money in a way that is fun and connecting instead of volatile and separating.

Click below to listen to the podcast!

Taking 100% Responsibility – The Prerequisite for Creating Money & Marriage Success

In his book, “Success Principles,” Jack Canfield shares a story about working with W. Clement Stone, a self-made millionaire worth $600 million in 1969.   He tells how Mr. Stone pulled him aside one day and asked him if he took 100% responsibility for his life.  Jack stutters, “I think so.” Stone replies, “This is a yes or no question, you either do or you don’t.”  Jack goes on to assure him that he does indeed take responsibility for his life. Stone asks: “Have you ever blamed anyone for any circumstance in your life?  Have you ever complained about anything?”  Jack admits he has.

Stone then goes on to explain:

“That means you don’t take 100% responsibility for your life.  Taking 100% responsibility means you acknowledge that you create everything that happens to you.  It means you understand that you are the cause of all your experience.  If you want to be really successful, then you will have to give up blaming and complaining and take total responsibility for your life – that means all your results, both your successes and your failures.  That is the prerequisite for creating a life of success.  It is only by acknowledging that you have created everything up until now that you can take charge of creating the future you want.”

It’s a simple concept, to refrain from blaming and complaining, and yet it’s a challenge to change a habit, especially one that everyone else has.  Like sticking to your diet, when everyone else around you is enjoying chocolate cake.  It requires you to resist the impulses, tendencies, and trends that don’t really get you where you want to go. Keep reading and you’ll find out how this relates to your marriage and finances.  Then I’ll share some action steps to help you become 100% responsible for your life.

Three ways we avoid taking responsibility- especially when it comes to money and marriage

1.  We make excuses

Anytime we make an excuse we’re not accepting complete responsibility for our lives.  We say things like: That’s just the way it is,  I can’t… and I’m just not good with…

And when it comes to our money and marriage:

“My partner never listens to what I have to say, and spends money however he wants, and that’s just the way it is.”

“I just can’t make enough money to support my family, so my partner has to make enough to cover our family expenses, and that’s just the way it is.”

“I’m not good with money, so I just let my partner handle it.”

2. We blame and complain

We blame our spouses for our financial and relationship challenges.  We complain about their spending habits and behaviors, that they’re untrustworthy, or too controlling. While we may be speaking some truth, blaming our partner implies that we are powerless to change our circumstances, and so it gives us permission to do nothing.  I had one client who wisely told me, “I get so upset with the way my husband controls the checkbook- and I realize now why it’s easy  for me to just blame him, because then I don’t have to do anything about it.”

3. We make commitments and break them on a whim

Many people, who are thousands of dollars in debt, struggle with making impulse purchases that aren’t in alignment with their financial goals. Others spend time creating a budget only to blow it as soon as the desire comes over them to go shopping, or buy some “essential” purchase.  I call this the “I want what I want, when I want it” syndrome.

I recall the words of two husbands who attended one of my “Financial Dating” workshops:

“If I head out to the mall with my kids, I’ll easily blow $50, without giving it a second thought.  When it comes to my kids, I don’t always consider the big picture, like what my wife wants, what’s good for our family and how much we have in the bank.”

“I’ll write my budget, and calculate how much money I should spend in each category and yet, if something comes up in the moment, like say my wife wants to go out to dinner, I’ll do it, regardless of whether or not I’ve already spent what I budgeted for eating out.  If I want something, I’ll go out and get it, budget or no budget.”

Likely you recognize some parts of yourself in the comments above. Taking 100% responsibility means taking the road less traveled-it requires us to break the habitual patterns of excuse-making, blaming, complaining, and acting impulsively against our better judgment.

Despite the challenge, we can be light with ourselves about it, laugh at our tendencies, and still walk the difficult, but rewarding path of change. For now, I invite you to dive into the actions steps below, and enjoy the life of success that W. Clement Stone spoke of when he taught Jack Canfield about taking 100% responsibility.

Action Steps

1. 1. Track your excuses.  Write down or keep a mental note of when and how often you make excuses, complain, blame and do things impulsively, against your own better judgment.  Notice what you say to others, and what you tell yourself that keeps you from taking 100% responsibility.

1. 2. Create new habits. Make a point to interrupt the speech and actions that don’t support you.  Interrupt excuse-making, blaming and complaining, and replace them with “I statements” about how you feel.  Keep the focus on yourself – your feelings, your desires, your actions. Find ways to prevent impulse spending: use personal financial software like Quicken to track spending, so you can identify spending patterns that don’t support your top financial goals.

1. 3. Get support. Ask your spouse, family member or close friend to help you notice when you’re blaming or complaining.  Ask them for help sticking to your commitments and spending plan.  If you’re ready to move at quicker pace, consider one-on-one coaching.  Email me for more info.

Get on the same page and work as a winning financial team with your partner so you can peacefully talk about money, eliminate debt and create a solid financial plan to achieve your financial goals and build wealth.  Take the steps to transform your relationship with your spouse and money!

Discover how you’re creating your current financial situation with your spouse…

Click here to sign up for my FREE webinar onWednesday  March 31st, “Personal Transformation Through Money: How to Consciously Achieve Your Money Goals And Create Financial Success in Your Life.”

How to Have a Financial Date® To Get on the Same Page With Your Partner

I developed and trademarked the unique process of Financial Dating shortly after my husband and I were married.  Over a period of three years we had charged over $43,930 on our credit cards.  We had different spending styles, no health insurance, no retirement and no clue how much money we spent each month and where it was going and we lacked a clear financial plan or direction.

Then, over the course of several months, as a way to gain control and understanding of our finances we started having weekly Financial Dates^®, where we discussed our financial situation, set money goals and created an aggressive plan for eliminating our credit card debt.

How exciting it was to be on the same financial page with my husband and to be able to laser-focus our individual strengths on achieving our combined financial goals.  Talk about amazing synergy and excitement in our marriage!  Before having our Financial Dates^® I never would have believed someone who said working on finances together could be both empowering and fun – but it truly was.

Our lives began to change dramatically. Our commitment to our Financial Dates paid off – literally, we paid off 43% of our credit card debt during our first year of Financial Dating. During our second year and a half we completely paid off all remaining credit card debt.  We now pay for purchases in cash, max out our monthly contributions to our Roth retirement accounts, and have a fully funded savings account for six months of unexpected emergencies. Both of us feel more empowered and have grown closer as a result of having our Financial Dates^® each month.

There are nine steps to the Financial Dating^® Wealth Formula that got us where we are today.  I will share four basic aspects with you to give you a general sense of the process:  1) Decide where you’ll have your Dates and create atmosphere, 2) Create connection, 3) Get financially smart and 4) Take financial action.

1. Decide Where You’ll Have Your Dates and Create Atmosphere

You don’t have to hold your dates at the desk in your office in front of the computer.  Get creative and have fun!  Pick an environment that is enjoyable to you. I have worked with couples that go to a favorite park, restaurant or coffee shop to have their dates. You might want to vary your location from time to time.

If you decide to meet at home think of a place in your home that is comfortable and inviting.  You might want to order a carry out meal and enjoy it with a glass of wine while sitting in front of the fireplace during your Financial Date.  If you have your Financial Dates at home, think about how you might create a special place in your home just for your dates.

Create a relaxing atmosphere.  When my husband and I first started having our Financial Dates, I felt overwhelmed by the amount of ground we had to cover.  To help ease the tension I would create a relaxing atmosphere by putting on some soft music, or lighting a candle and burning incense.  This had an instant calming affect on both of us. Consider trying this for yourself.  Brainstorm with your partner a list of things you could do to create a relaxing atmosphere.  You’ll be surprised at how these simple actions can help you feel more relaxed.

My husband and I also held many of our first Financial Dates® hiking on a trail!  I would grab the necessary financial papers, stuff them in my coat pocket, and we would discuss our financial numbers as we hiked. Hiking was a great way to release stress and tension that arose during our money conversations!

2. Create Connection

Let’s face it—talking about finances can be stressful, especially when you consider all the times you’ve set out to have a calm discussion about money, and it ends in an argument.  It’s important to begin your Date feeling like you’re both on the same side. It’s important that you choose a way to connect with each other that resonates for both of you. Sometimes my husband and I would read a short inspirational story or poem and other times we would share our intentions or say a prayer out loud together.

3. Get Financially Smart

Choose a few informational excerpts from a financial book or on-line article to read out loud together.  Pick something that is appropriate for your combined interests and level of understanding about finances.  Give yourselves about ten minutes or so to read a few paragraphs. Make sure you allow for a few minutes of discussion time.

4. Take Financial Action

Read your goals out loud. This is a simple but very important part of your date.  Identify your top five financial goals that you want to focus on achieving.  Review this list of goals at the beginning of each date to keep these goals in the forefront of your mind.

You might also want to break your current goals down into monthly goals.  If you do decide to create monthly goals, you’ll review them at this time as well.

Set the agenda.  During this step you’ll create and write out an agenda of things you want to accomplish or discuss during your current Date.

Simple Action Steps You Can Take Now:

Discover what’s keeping you stuck in your current financial situation with your spouse. Click here to sign up for my FREE webinar onWed.,  March 31st, “Personal Transformation Through Money: How to Consciously Achieve Your Money Goals And Create Financial Success in Your Life.”

1. Ask your partner if they would be willing to have a Date to talk about your finances.
2. Schedule a Financial Date on your calendar!

Marriage and Money Problems: What to Do When You Have Money Conflicts

“I can’t begin to tell you how frustrating it’s been having a partner who says, ‘yes, yes, yes’ and then doesn’t come through!  My husband just won’t do his financial homework.  I’ve loved and encouraged him when he chooses positive financial behaviors but somehow it’s still too scary or hard for him to own his part. It doesn’t matter how much I encourage, cheerlead, or try to convince him otherwise.   He says he’ll work on his finances but then he doesn’t follow through. WHAT DO I DO WITH THIS?”

A client sent this email to me. I completely understood her frustration and overwhelm.  Unfortunately her situation isn’t unique.  This is a common complaint that I hear from couples.

Get curious about your reactivity

“NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”—this is usually our first reaction when we experience marriage conflict and money problems and our partner does something that we don’t like.  And when it’s in the financial arena it can drive us absolutely bonkers because it’s so directly tied to our survival fears.  Our reactive reptilian brain kicks in producing fearful thoughts like, “I’m all alone with this—he doesn’t care,” “He’s going to put me in the poor house” and “If it wasn’t for me we’d be totally broke.”

So we defer to our control tactics.  We resort to our learned behaviors that supported us in getting what we wanted in the past.  We cheerlead, “Come on honey–I know you can do it.  I sincerely believe in you.  You’ve got what it takes.” Or we get angry,  “I can’t stand it anymore. You are so inept.”  Or we rationalize, “He’s just like this because his parents were like this.”

In the area of finances the greatest challenge is to resist the urge to point our fingers at our partners and take the opportunity to do our own personal work.

Stress equals opportunity

In the book, Loving What Is, Byron Katie says: “Every stressful moment you experience is a gift that points you to your own freedom.”  If you feel reactive it’s a sure sign that you’re being given the opportunity to look inward, investigate, grow and learn something new about yourself.  This is actually the secret to transforming yourself and your situation.  It actually isn’t about getting your partner or situation to change. As long as we believe that it is about our partner we will continue to stay stuck.  And yet ironically, when we focus on our inner healing, our relationships and challenging life situations “miraculously” transform.

Most of our reactivity comes from our inner resistance to having a relationship with what is.  Something happens and in a split second our minds spin out of control and add stories that we instantly and mistakenly take on as being “the truth.”  Most of us have gotten so good at telling stories that we’re no longer able to separate fact from fiction.

My mentor, Jim Bergquist, shared a situation about a boss that he had worked for in the past.  Several times a week his boss would go into an emotional tirade after reading the daily paper.  His boss would stomp into the office and yell his frustrations at one of the employees–usually Jim.  Jim would think: “This guy is a lunatic!” “What is wrong with him?”  “How come he doesn’t like me?”   After many painful episodes with his boss, Jim made the decision to stay completely present the next time his boss yelled at him.  Jim also made the commitment to drop his internal story and judgments about his boss.  After a few days the opportunity presented itself.  This time, as his boss was yelling, Jim stayed completely present to the experience.  He noticed that his boss had a gold crown on one of his back teeth.  He saw a vein with a bluish tint popping out on the right side of his forehead.  He observed the spit as it came flying out of his boss’s mouth.  Then all of a sudden his boss stopped in mid-sentence, looked at Jim, turned around and walked into his office—he never yelled at Jim or anyone else again.

Having a relationship with What Is

When Jim was able to be completely present with what is, without resistance to his situation and without adding any additional stories, assessments or judgments, Jim experienced an internal transformation.  This in turn supported his boss in being present, which gave his boss sudden access and insight into how ridiculous he was being.

My client who emailed me was able to notice her internal story about the way she felt her husband “should be showing up with finances.”  She also knew that what she wanted most was for her husband to speak his truth.  The two of them engaged in a conversation where they shared openly and honestly with each other.  Her husband shared the ways in which he genuinely wanted to be involved with the family finances  and the ways in which he did not.  And together they created a new way to work on the family finances that resonated for both of them.

Whenever we experience reactivity to the people or situations in our lives, we are being given the golden opportunity to look inward–instead of outward.  It is through our own personal exploration and transformation that our life situations and relationships magically transform as well.