How to Take The First Step To Getting On The Same Financial Page With Your Spouse

It’s surprising how many couples approach their finances individually as if each person were a sole proprietor in business, making financial decisions on their own, paying all the bills and rarely communicating with their partners about any of it.

I’ve talked to many couples who after many years of frustration and conflict have simply given up on handling financial matters together. They’ve resigned and decided that the conflict, stress and uncertainty are too much for them to try to overcome.

One woman confided in me: “My husband messed it up every time he paid the bills himself.  But now I’ve got the system down—I pay all the bills and tell him what to do. I don’t let him touch anything. It’s a great system. He’s quite happy to let me handle all the details, and I’m quite happy to be the one in control.”

These couples think they’ve outsmarted the institution of marriage. But what they’ve really done is create a system for maintaining control, power and separation in their relationship. True financial connection is about working together as a team and building greater trust and intimacy.

Here are some of the common mistakes couples make when they communicate with each other about money:

1. Blame and complain
2. Avoid talking about it
3. Discuss money at bad times
4. Get reactive instead of proactive
5. They get stuck in a rut and do the same financial tasks over and over and never progress to achieving other important financial goals

Many couples use what I call the “Old Faithful” approach to talking about money (If you’ve been to Yellowstone National Park you’ve probably seen the geyser called “Old Faithful” – the park rangers can predict every time Old Faithful will erupt).

They completely avoid discussing the issues.  Their internal pressure gradually builds until one or both of them explode when a credit card bill comes in, or when they discover there’s not enough money to make it through the month or to put aside in savings.

After the eruption they feel some relief but they don’t do anything to actually prevent the next eruption from happening.  The pressure builds up again and so on goes the cycle. You can almost anticipate these patterns in your relationship, just like with the Old Faithful Geyser.

You have the opportunity to integrate a new approach to communicating about money where you’re talking about it on an on-going basis and making consistent progress. You can achieve this with Financial Dating®.

Through Financial Dating®, couples learn how to: 1) quit blaming, 2) take responsibility, 3) consistently talk about their finances at an appropriate time, 4) get proactive instead of reactive 5) and achieve a full-spectrum of financial goals instead of just tracking their income and expenses.

True financial security is about both partners understanding what’s going on with their finances so that if something were to happen to either person the other spouse would know exactly what to do. True financial success is a team sport. It’s time to learn a new game if you’re playing “hard ball,” competing on your own or treating your partner as if they were the enemy.

Your Call to Action

Remember the commitments you made to each other when you first got married? You’re going to make similar commitments now as you begin to proactively handle your money as a team.

Get out a piece of paper and write down one thing you will do this month to work on your finances with your partner.  Perhaps it’s as simple as “scheduling time to calculate our total credit card debt.”  Or, “creating a plan to stop using our credit cards.”  Or “ talk about having monthly Financial Dates.”

Choose something that feels motivating and exciting to you and make a commitment to making it happen. Remember, you’re not trying to tackle all your financial struggles and challenges right now. You’re just making a commitment to do one thing.

There’s an old saying, “The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.”  Think of this as beginning your financial journey with your partner.  And you are choosing to move forward with a single step by choosing one task or project that you will focus on to begin working with your partner (instead of against them) when it comes to money.

How to Take The First Step To Getting On The Same Financial Page With Your Spouse Podcast

It’s surprising how many couples approach their finances individually as if each person were a sole proprietor in business, making financial decisions on their own, paying all the bills and rarely communicating with their partners about any of it.

I’ve talked to many couples who after many years of frustration and conflict have simply given up on handling financial matters together. They’ve resigned and decided that the conflict, stress and uncertainty are too much for them to try to overcome….

Click below to listen to the podcast

How Couples Can Talk About Money in A Calm and Productive Way Through A Financial Date®

Click here to listen to this article

Many years ago I was interviewed by Sydney Carlino, a certified Financial Representative. Sydney wanted to learn more about my concept of Financial Dating® and how I guide couples to talk about money in a way that is fun and connecting instead of volatile and separating.

I’m including some of the key points from our interview to support you in working with your partner instead of against your partner when it comes to talking about money. Read more

Couples Talk About Money in A Calm and Productive Way Through A Financial Date®- Podcast

Many years ago I was interviewed by Sydney Carlino, a certified Financial Representative. Sydney wanted to learn more about my concept of Financial Dating® and how I guide couples to talk about money in a way that is fun and connecting instead of volatile and separating.

Click below to listen to the podcast!

Getting on the Same Financial Page With Your Partner Through Year End Retreat™ For Married Female Entrepreneurs

Most  married female entrepreneurs begin to seek financial help after the financial stress has been occurring for quite some time in their marriage.  What I’ve noticed is most female entrepreneurs simply don’t set aside adequate time to create a clear financial plan for their personal life with their spouses.  They feel too focused and overwhelmed with trying to stay on top of their businesses (in order to generate money) that they feel like they don’t have time “for that money management stuff.” Read more

How to Fall In Love With Your Partner All Over Again for Married Female Entrepreneurs

When we find ourselves in the midst of financial stress or challenges our conversations with our spouses can often become reactive or volatile, or they can become solely centered on our business, or dealing with basic daily logistics and details. As a married female entrepreneur, I’d like to inspire you to begin to date your partner again!  I teach couples how to have a Financial Date® and talk about money so that it is actually fun and exciting – and even romantic! I’d also like to inspire you to go on an actual fun, romantic date with your spouse. Read more

Financial Dating® Ideas for Married Female Entrepreneurs

I’m Leslie Cunningham, founder of the Financial Dating® Wealth System and Couples Money Mastery Coach for married female entrepreneurs and their spouses. I’m going to talk about some of the first couple of financial dates my husband and I had.  I know a lot of women entrepreneurs struggle with how to talk about money with their partners because we are so used to being able to make our own decisions and handle money our own and we spend all day focused on our business and its frustrating when we try to talk about money with our partners and it ends up resulting in conflict.  We have this monthly income that fluctuates all of the time so we have this huge need for getting on the same financial page with our partner.  When we don’t talk about money with our partner we end up feeling isolated, frustrated and angry. We feel like we spend all of this time trying to grow our businesses and yet our partner doesn’t really understand or “get us.” We don’t really have the energy or ability to tolerate our partners complaints or wondering why we want to invest in our business or put certain things on our credit cards so we can grow our business. There is just a lot of conflict. So what my husband and I ended up doing, many years ago, we started having a financial date. I trademarked this term, Financial Dating®, and I have shared the story about how we started having financial dates but today I’d like to talk about some of the ideas for having your financial dates.

We always had our dates sitting in front of the computer or sitting in the office. In the very beginning we had so much debt and there was a huge degree of frustration; we could hardly talk to each other without getting into an argument. In the first few days we would literally print off the financial papers and I would stick them in my coat pocket and we would go for a hike on the trails or in the mountains around here and we would be talking about our finances or about how to get rid of our debt and some of those conversations were very stressful and sometime we even yelled when we were hiking on the trails. It was a good thing there weren’t many people around. And so I want to inspire you to begin to get creative on how you might talk about money with your partners instead of sitting around the table talking about it.  To learn more tips and solutions on how to do this, I’d like to invite you to a FREE webinar I’m hosting on October 28, 2010.  Its’ called the “Revolutionary Money Management Breakthrough Process: How to Permanently Move Past Money Conflict in Your Marriage Into Financial Security, Peace and Freedom.”   Go to Financial Dating.com/revolution.  This webinar is specifically designed to provide financial help for married female entrepreneurs who are ready to work together as a team with their spouses to master the art of making and managing money and create a prosperous lifestyle filled with abundance and free time.  I look forward to seeing you there.

What is Financial Dating® for Married Women Entrepreneurs?

I’m Leslie Cunningham, founder of the Financial Dating® Wealth System and Couples Money Mastery Coach for married women entrepreneurs and their spouses. Today I’m going to tell you about getting on the same financial page with your partner through having a financial date.  This actually, this idea of having a financial date, is a term I trademarked several years ago and got the federal trademark on it and  it’s an idea that came to me shortly after my husband and I were married. Once we were married, I quit my secure, stable job. We then took a two month honeymoon in New Zealand and had some amazing adventures, came back home, and of course, we funded a lot of our New Zealand adventures with credit cards,  came back home and bought a new home, and ended up having all of these house projects and landscaping projects which we put on the credit card.

I remember a very particular experience. I was walking out to my mailbox and flipping through the mail and I saw a credit card statement in my name and another credit card statement in my husbands name and I began to get a panicking feeling in the pit of my stomach.

And I knew even though I had married the man that I loved and adored, I really didn’t have a clue of how he handled finances so I asked him if he would be willing to have a financial date so we could begin getting rid of the credit card debt we had accrued. Even though he was skeptical he was willing to do it. I really want to emphasize this. I know there are a lot of spouses out there that are skeptical but if your partner is willing to do it, that is the most important part. Just being willing to start having a date to talk about money. Now, I know at this point you don’t know much about what is involved in having a financial date but it is really important to begin talking about money but what do you do during a financial date.

I’d like to invite you to a FREE webinar I’m hosting on October 28, 2010.  Its’ called the “Revolutionary Money Management Breakthrough Process: How to Permanently Move Past Money Conflict in Your Marriage Into Financial Security, Peace and Freedom.”   Go to Financial Dating.com/revolution.  This webinar is specifically designed to provide financial help for married female entrepreneurs who are ready to work together as a team with their spouses to master the art of making and managing money and create a prosperous lifestyle filled with abundance and free time.  I look forward to seeing you there.

How I Got Out of Debt, Got on the Same Page and Started Building Wealth

I came into this work shortly after my husband and I were married. Like many newlyweds, we did many things that caused us to go into debt. I quit my secure job to spend time on the road with my husband, who is a professional singer/songwriter.

This was an amazing time for both of us. We then honeymooned in New Zealand and had some wonderful adventures that still cause me to laugh and fill me with joy when I think about them.

Eight months later, when we came home, I remember walking back to the house after collecting the afternoon mail. I started flipping through the envelopes. I saw a credit card statement, another credit card statement and our bank statements. It was in that moment that I felt a deep tension in the pit of my stomach.

I realized that even though I had married the man that I absolutely loved and adored, I really didn’t have a clear sense of how he handled money and how the two of us were going to blend our different approaches to handling money in our marriage. I was very organized, detailed and more frugal with money. He was more of a laid-back free spirit type. I also knew that getting on the same financial page was a key factor in creating a successful marriage and financial future.

Going Out On a Limb

I asked my husband if he would be willing to set up a time each week to talk about our finances and develop a plan for getting rid of our credit card debt (we had acquired over $43,300 in credit card debt over a three year period). My husband said he would be willing to do this. He was skeptical—but willing.

We came to refer to our weekly meetings with each other as our Financial Dates®. After we would complete a Financial Date, both of us felt surprisingly uplifted and empowered.

As a result of having our Dates we completely paid off all of our credit card debt within two years, started funding our retirement accounts, quit arguing about money, gained a solid understanding of our cash flow and created a spending plan that both of us were motivated to stick to. That was just the tip of the iceberg. And you know what—those changes didn’t really surprise me that much.

What completely surprised me was the synergy that my husband and I experienced when working together to achieve our financial goals and dreams. We wouldn’t have experienced this in our relationship had we not come together with a unified goal of improving our finances as a team—not individually, but as a team. This added an entirely new dimension to our relationship. I began to think of these Financial Dates as our own holistic approach to money and marriage success.

“Leslie, It’s Imperative That You Share This with the World!”

I was sharing the details of one of our Financial Dates with my mentor coach at the time, and she stopped me in mid-sentence, and exclaimed, “Leslie, you have so much excitement and passion around this Financial Dating concept and it’s an amazing idea. You have got to share it with the world!”

So with her encouragement, I completed my training to become a professional certified coach so that I could teach this process to others. I received my credentials through Coach Training Alliance, which is accredited through the International Coaching Federation. I then began to teach our Financial Dating Process to other couples.

Financial Dating® Created Financial Success for Other Couples

I remember one particular call I received from a man on a cold Montana day. He sounded overwhelmed and frustrated. He said, “Leslie, I heard about you through a friend of mine and you sound exactly like the person that we’re looking for. I really want to talk to you about finances and how to make this work in our marriage.” I invited him to attend a Financial Dating class I was teaching.

After the class he walked me outside and said, “You are the person that we’ve been praying for. I walked out of the house last week and it was the worst fight that my wife and I had had, and I swore to her, I promised her that I would find somebody who could help us, and you’re that person.”

I put together a Financial Dating class and he got together several other couples and I started teaching them how to have Financial Dates. One year later he shared with me that for the first time in 14 years he and his wife had finally put a clamp on the internal hemorrhaging in their finances. They willingly changed their destructive money behaviors, stopped charging to their credit cards, paid off $13,779 of debt, put $4,879 into an emergency savings account and saved over $51,200 in interest by transferring a personal loan. He also shared that he felt significantly closer to his wife. If they could do it, you can too.

Living a Fulfilling Life that’s in Alignment with Our Deeply Held Values

I have come to realize that successful money management is so much more than just paying off debt, buying a new home and stashing more money away in our retirement accounts. True financial success is about living a life that is in alignment with our most cherished values. It’s easy to say that we value our health, marriage, children, friends and family. But when we step back and look at how we spend our time and money, we’ll see that we often don’t spend it on the things that are most important to us. There’s nothing like money to easily pull us off track.

We have to stop and define what financial success means to us. I believe that true financial success is about having a life that is filled with life enriching experiences and time for the relationships that really matter. That means slowing down and not working so hard. Financial success is about the lives we touch and the lasting memories we make. It’s about spending less, giving more and living more.

Discover how you’re creating your current financial situation with your spouse…

Click here to sign up for my FREE webinar onWednesday  March 31st, “Personal Transformation Through Money: How to Consciously Achieve Your Money Goals And Create Financial Success in Your Life.”

How to Have a Financial Date® To Get on the Same Page With Your Partner

I developed and trademarked the unique process of Financial Dating shortly after my husband and I were married.  Over a period of three years we had charged over $43,930 on our credit cards.  We had different spending styles, no health insurance, no retirement and no clue how much money we spent each month and where it was going and we lacked a clear financial plan or direction.

Then, over the course of several months, as a way to gain control and understanding of our finances we started having weekly Financial Dates^®, where we discussed our financial situation, set money goals and created an aggressive plan for eliminating our credit card debt.

How exciting it was to be on the same financial page with my husband and to be able to laser-focus our individual strengths on achieving our combined financial goals.  Talk about amazing synergy and excitement in our marriage!  Before having our Financial Dates^® I never would have believed someone who said working on finances together could be both empowering and fun – but it truly was.

Our lives began to change dramatically. Our commitment to our Financial Dates paid off – literally, we paid off 43% of our credit card debt during our first year of Financial Dating. During our second year and a half we completely paid off all remaining credit card debt.  We now pay for purchases in cash, max out our monthly contributions to our Roth retirement accounts, and have a fully funded savings account for six months of unexpected emergencies. Both of us feel more empowered and have grown closer as a result of having our Financial Dates^® each month.

There are nine steps to the Financial Dating^® Wealth Formula that got us where we are today.  I will share four basic aspects with you to give you a general sense of the process:  1) Decide where you’ll have your Dates and create atmosphere, 2) Create connection, 3) Get financially smart and 4) Take financial action.

1. Decide Where You’ll Have Your Dates and Create Atmosphere

You don’t have to hold your dates at the desk in your office in front of the computer.  Get creative and have fun!  Pick an environment that is enjoyable to you. I have worked with couples that go to a favorite park, restaurant or coffee shop to have their dates. You might want to vary your location from time to time.

If you decide to meet at home think of a place in your home that is comfortable and inviting.  You might want to order a carry out meal and enjoy it with a glass of wine while sitting in front of the fireplace during your Financial Date.  If you have your Financial Dates at home, think about how you might create a special place in your home just for your dates.

Create a relaxing atmosphere.  When my husband and I first started having our Financial Dates, I felt overwhelmed by the amount of ground we had to cover.  To help ease the tension I would create a relaxing atmosphere by putting on some soft music, or lighting a candle and burning incense.  This had an instant calming affect on both of us. Consider trying this for yourself.  Brainstorm with your partner a list of things you could do to create a relaxing atmosphere.  You’ll be surprised at how these simple actions can help you feel more relaxed.

My husband and I also held many of our first Financial Dates® hiking on a trail!  I would grab the necessary financial papers, stuff them in my coat pocket, and we would discuss our financial numbers as we hiked. Hiking was a great way to release stress and tension that arose during our money conversations!

2. Create Connection

Let’s face it—talking about finances can be stressful, especially when you consider all the times you’ve set out to have a calm discussion about money, and it ends in an argument.  It’s important to begin your Date feeling like you’re both on the same side. It’s important that you choose a way to connect with each other that resonates for both of you. Sometimes my husband and I would read a short inspirational story or poem and other times we would share our intentions or say a prayer out loud together.

3. Get Financially Smart

Choose a few informational excerpts from a financial book or on-line article to read out loud together.  Pick something that is appropriate for your combined interests and level of understanding about finances.  Give yourselves about ten minutes or so to read a few paragraphs. Make sure you allow for a few minutes of discussion time.

4. Take Financial Action

Read your goals out loud. This is a simple but very important part of your date.  Identify your top five financial goals that you want to focus on achieving.  Review this list of goals at the beginning of each date to keep these goals in the forefront of your mind.

You might also want to break your current goals down into monthly goals.  If you do decide to create monthly goals, you’ll review them at this time as well.

Set the agenda.  During this step you’ll create and write out an agenda of things you want to accomplish or discuss during your current Date.

Simple Action Steps You Can Take Now:

Discover what’s keeping you stuck in your current financial situation with your spouse. Click here to sign up for my FREE webinar onWed.,  March 31st, “Personal Transformation Through Money: How to Consciously Achieve Your Money Goals And Create Financial Success in Your Life.”

1. Ask your partner if they would be willing to have a Date to talk about your finances.
2. Schedule a Financial Date on your calendar!

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