Extraordinary Lessons From Extraordinary Debt – Chicken Soup for The Soul
This is a story that I wrote that was published in Chicken Soup for The Soul Series: Tough Times, Tough People.
I vividly remember walking back to my house after collecting the afternoon mail, flipping through the envelopes in my hand. I saw a credit card statement, 
another credit card statement and our bank statements. It was in that moment that I felt a deep tension in the pit of my stomach.
I realized that even though I had married the man that I absolutely loved and adored, I really didn’t have a clear sense of how he handled money and how the two of us were going to blend our different approaches to handling money in our marriage. I was very organized, detailed and more frugal with money. He was more of a laid-back, free spirit type. I knew that getting on the same financial page was a key factor in creating a successful marriage and financial future.
I asked my husband if he would be willing to set up a time each week to talk about our finances and develop a plan for getting rid of our credit card debt (we had acquired over $43,300 in credit card debt over a three year period). My husband said he would be willing to do this. Admittedly, he was skeptical—but willing.
We came to refer to our weekly meetings as our Financial Dates®. We didn’t really have a clue as to what we were doing. All we knew was that we needed to give our finances undivided attention. I remember the knot-wrenched feeling I would get in my neck several hours before our designated Date.
We had so far to go – how were we ever going to get rid of our debt? We basically made things up as we went along. At the beginning of each Date we would jot down a list of what we wanted to focus on and throughout the hour we progressed through the list until most of the items had been dealt with.
Some Dates were filled with tense conversations, blaming accusations and snide remarks. Other Dates were filled with laughter, joy and creativity. However, we kept showing up for our Dates and we never gave up. What started out as a means for survival became a powerful connecting thread in our relationship. Something shifted within us.
Instead of finances becoming a source of divisive tension that pulled us apart, it became the glue that held us together as we became a unified team – creating electric synergy as we focused on the single goal of getting out of debt. We did succeed in getting rid of our debt.
I still recall the day that we excitedly marked through our last credit card payment on the chart we had created. We had finally arrived. We were free. We had been given wings to fly.
While our debt is now gone I have gained several invaluable lessons from our debt struggles that will stay with me forever.
1. We were committed to changing our situation. Even though we felt overwhelmed, uncertain and stressed about how we were going to turn things around, we were 110% fully committed to getting rid of our debt. I realize now how powerful a commitment can be. Johann Wolfgang von Goethe expressed the power of commitment so beautifully:
“Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. Concerning all acts of initiative and creation, there is one elementary truth the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, rising in one’s favor all manner of unforeseen incidents, meetings and material assistance which no man could have dreamed would have come his way. Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it. Begin it now.”
2. Opportunities presented themselves during our journey as a result of our commitment. Many people won’t begin a journey or declare a goal because they can’t see the means to achieving it – so they give up. More often than not you won’t see the means of accomplishing a goal until you make a commitment and bravely begin your “hero’s journey”.
We had given ourselves four years to get out of debt – but we were able to do it in two and a half years. Creative ideas and opportunities presented themselves to us that we truly couldn’t have envisioned at the beginning of our journey. We used extra money from Christmas and birthdays to put towards our debt.
And we even sold our beloved Eurovan because we realized that the deep peace and security of being out of debt meant more to us than having the van.
3. We took full responsibility. Instead of blaming the economy or factors outside ourselves (although there were times when we got angry at each other), we were willing to accept full responsibility for creating our debt situation. Many times in the past I thought I was accepting full responsibility for my situation, when in reality, I wasn’t.
Whenever I blamed anyone outside of myself (even if it seemed completely justified in my mind), I was giving away my power to change the situation.. I ended up feeling like a victim and experienced a lot of waiting—-waiting for the economy to change, waiting for my husband to change, or waiting for a friend to change—until I could be at peace.
Now, whenever I feel a twinge of stress or reactivity I ask myself, “how am I contributing to what is happening right now (or the way this person is reacting to me)? This gives me the ultimate power to change my situation.
Even though my husband and I don’t have any guarantee against future challenges, I am left with something deep within that is unshakable and that can never ever be taken away – the memory of our past successes and the power to constantly integrate these lessons in my day-to-day life.
The Inner Approach to Manifesting Money
There is an old Cherokee saying that reveals a great deal of wisdom about manifesting money…
An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. “A fight is going on inside me,” he said to the boy.
“It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil – he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.” He continued, “The other is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you – and inside every other person, too.”
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, “Which wolf will win?”
The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”
- A Cherokee legend
I remember one particular incident many, many years ago, before I began my private coaching/consulting practice, when I was driving downtown rushing to complete my errands for the day. I remember noticing the beautiful sunset and the incredible colors in the sky. And yet in spite of the beauty that surrounded me there was an internal voice that said something like, “Sure the sunset is beautiful – but that doesn’t really matter. What really matters is that you are STUCK in your life. How are you ever going to get anywhere? You got real problems to deal with…” And the voice continued on and on – round and round.
Ironically at the time I believed this inner voice was just telling me the truth about my current situation. I assumed my inner voice was the voice of reality and reason – even though it was a huge drain on my energy and mental outlook.
Another time I was feeling overwhelmed about all the credit card debt me and my husband had accumulated after we were married. And even though we were determined to pay it off I remember wondering how we would ever manage to get rid of it. Both of us had brand new start-up businesses at the time. My mind just couldn’t grasp the possibility that life could be any different from the way it currently was.
The “scared wolf” was quite loud during these particular times of my life
Many of us hear the voice of the wolf howling at our doors. We experience a deep sense of anxiety and impending doom and gloom around our current circumstances. Sometimes the pressure is so intense that it wakes us up in the middle of the night – and we wonder how we’re ever going to break through our current circumstances and manifest more money in our lives.
I used to wonder where all this internal pressure and anxiety was coming from.
For most of us, if our beliefs remain unexplored we find ourselves thinking that our external circumstances are causing the pressure and fear. We find ourselves worrying about finding a job or making enough money to get through the next month. We have very real external circumstances that we’re dealing with, and we think – that is what’s causing the pressure and stress after all!
I remember working with a client who experienced a dramatic breakthrough when she realized that SHE was the one who was creating the stress and pressure that she experienced around money. She had thought that her current circumstances were creating the pressure. In fact, she became aware that for most of her adult life she experienced pressure and fear that she wasn’t doing it right, or doing it good enough when it came to money as well as other aspects of her life.
If we are experiencing anxiety or tension it’s a sure sign that we are feeding the scared wolf. What I’ve discovered is that whatever circumstance I am facing, I can ask in the midst of it, which wolf am I feeding? Is it the wolf of joy and peace or the wolf of anger, greed, guilt, and inferiority? What I’ve noticed is that the scared wolf is very sneaky and clever.
I mistakenly take his voice to be the voice of reality. Of truth – as if he were an impartial reporter of “just the way things are.” His voice might sound like this—“People just aren’t hiring in today’s economy… It’s not possible to increase my income by this month…It’s not possible to find my dream job.”
Which wolf are you currently feeding?
It’s one thing to hear the voice of the scared wolf. It’s another thing to feed it. When I feed it I am agreeing with the scared wolf’s reality. I know that I’m feeding and agreeing with the scared wolf’s reality when I experience fear, resentment or anger.
So what can you do? It’s not a matter of getting rid of the scared wolf’s voice. That just creates resistance. It’s an opportunity to explore what you’re believing and which wolf you are about to feed. It becomes an ongoing practice, a discipline – the personal path of the warrior.
So now when I hear the bark of an scared wolf, I stop and identify the voice. I am called to create in each moment a new possibility – I can choose to feed the scared wolf or the good wolf. Either way it’s my choice. The one I choose to feed is the one who will win.
Action Steps for Manifesting Money
- Get honest about your subjective “reality” or “truth.” What is the reason you’ve been giving yourself about why you can’t achieve something that you really want right now? Which wolf are you feeding?
- Ask yourself how your subjective reality might really be resistance to manifesting what you want (remember this may require a huge stretch on your part – because that’s the nature of subjective reality – it seems so, well real!).
- Ask yourself what would happen if your subjective reality didn’t have to come to pass.
- Notice how you feel when you make this mind shift. You will notice that you are left with opportunity. From this space be willing to take the next step toward what you want – instead of putting it off. Be willing to see that you don’t need to wait any longer – and that your “reality” is merely resistance in disguise.
Money Emotions Don’t Have to Hold You Back
Many of us fail to realize how money emotions hold us back in our financial life. Whether it’s getting rid
of debt, making more money or sticking to a budget money affects our emotions. We identify our financial goals and then we go about taking action to achieve our those goals. Meanwhile there is this sense of internal pressure and frantic inside us. Sometimes our bodies react by causing us to break out in hives or rashes. Or sometimes we wake up in the middle of the night with tightness in our chest.
I’ve had clients who had never experienced stress before in their lives say that after going through a financial crisis that they now instantly register stress in their bodies. I know for me, my stress usually registers as tightness in my neck or throat area. When we get these sensations we think that our circumstances are causing our stressful feelings.
One of my clients thought that looking at her numbers and spending plan was causing her stress. Or that the need to please me (her coach) and “do her financial work in the right way.” Was causing her stress.
I had another client who had over $75,000 in debt at one point (I’m happy to report that he and his wife have completed gotten rid of their debt through our work together!). He thought that the debt was causing his stress. Yes, financial circumstances TRIGGER our emotions – but we are constantly called to remember that they are not the CAUSE of our feelings and emotions.
We are actually the source or cause our feelings and emotions based on our interpretations of our life situations. Ironically though we often believe our interpretations to be “the truth.” We think our interpretations are merely describing or reflecting our reality. But this is practically never the case. We interpret things a certain way because of our past experiences.
My client experienced a huge breakthrough when she realized that the source of her pressure was not me (her coach), or her spending plan, or the desire to increase her income, but that the she was the source of the pressure. She realized that she frequently experienced pressure and the desire to do things right in many areas of her life beyond finances (which is frequently the case). All of a sudden when she saw that she was the source she became aware that she also had the power to change it. When she believed it “was out there” she had no power to change it. By realizing that she was the cause of her emotional response, she was able to take responsibility, alter the way she interpreted her situation and move from overwhelm into appropriate financial action.
If you want to learn more about how you can move past the money emotions that hold you back from taking the financial action you know you need to take click here to sign up for my FREE webinar onWednesday March 31st, “Personal Transformation Through Money: How to Consciously Achieve Your Money Goals And Create Financial Success in Your Life.”
Discover Your Friendly “Yes” To Money
I could feel my client’s voice BEAMING on the other side of the phone:
“I’ve been thinking about our work together and it’s caused me to explore my yeses and no’s around money.
What instantly comes to mind for me is my ‘unfriendly no’ in regards to money. My unfriendly no doesn’t give me any choices. My unfriendly no says ‘no’ to creating a spending plan – or a budget. My unfriendly no says that a spending plan will strangle me – that sticking to a spending plan means I’ll have to deprive myself for the rest of my life and say ‘no, no, no, no’ to everything.
The Unfriendly and Resentful “No”
My unfriendly no makes me feel deprived, angry and resentful. It falsely leads me to believe that I must resign myself to living a life of lack, that I can’t ever do anything fun. My unfriendly no is controlling and tells me that my life is going to be filled with misery and I’ll never have enough money. And because life is destined to be so miserable, and this is as good as it gets, why not splurge and live it up a little and have some fun?
My unfriendly no is a very intimate friend to my ‘unfriendly yes’ that says ‘yes’ to everything. I do this because I feel so bad that I’ve said ‘no’ and denied myself for the past several days (or hours) to myself or to my children.”
At this point Nancy paused, took a deep breath, and then went on to excitedly share:
The Supportive and Friendly “Yes”
“I’m experiencing a huge breakthrough around what a friendly yes is like. My friendly yes says that working a spending plan can create freedom for me. My friendly yes reassures me that a spending plan doesn’t have to be difficult and painful. It lets me know that it’s okay to buy clothes and necessities for my children and me. My friendly yes says ‘yes’ to life, and ‘yes’ to the unlimited possibilities of what I want to create, be and do. It gives me freedom! And my friendly yes also has a close friend as well. It is a close friend to my friendly no.
My friendly no is filled with choice, compassion and understanding. It says, ‘Let’s say no to this, but let’s say yes to these other things.’ My friendly no empowers me with the opportunity to make wise money choices so that I can experience true freedom. A friendly no can gently guide me and provide me with hope and security.
What I now realize is that I can choose to use my friendly yes and no in each moment. My friendly yes and friendly no support me in saying ‘yes’ to life. They are here to guide me to true freedom and the truest enjoyment of my money!”
* Names have been changed in this story
Your 1-Minute Action Step
Write down your responses to the following questions:
- What are the images and thoughts that come up for you when you think of saying “no” in regards to money or financial decisions?
- What are the images and thoughts that come up for you when you think of saying “yes” in regards to money or financial decisions?
- What are the internal conversations that come up around your unfriendly yes and unfriendly no?
- What are the internal conversations that come up around your friendly yes and friendly no?
- How might you become more empowered around managing money if you respond with your friendly yes and friendly no?
Train yourself to recognize when you respond with your unfriendly yes and no and choose a friendly yes or no instead.
Learn how to create a positive relationship with money so that you take the financial action you need to take Click here to sign up for my FREE webinar onWednesday March 31st, “Personal Transformation Through Money: How to Consciously Achieve Your Money Goals And Create Financial Success in Your Life.”
What Really Determines Successful Financial Action?
When it comes to money problems and getting our finances in order to create prosperity and wealth we logically conclude that the most important thing is for us to take action – or to DO something. And then we think that the action is what is going to support us in HAVING what it is that we want. We think that if we spend money according to our budget, increase our income or get rid of our debt that these actions will support us in acquiring more money. So we get determined and muster up our will power go take the action that we know we need to take.
But then we find ourselves running up against a wall when our beliefs and behaviors get in the way of taking the action that we know we need to take. We know that we “should” stick to our budget, yet we find ourselves spontaneously making large purchases on things that aren’t on our budget. We know that we “should” be able to increase our income, yet we don’t believe we actually can. As a result we don’t take action.
What Gets In the Way of Achieving Prosperity and Wealth
Our behaviors frequently get in the way of “right” action and create money problems for us. This is because we mistakenly believe that action is the source of creating results. Because we believe that action is the source of results we fail to focus on the true source of results, which is who we’re BEING.
Being is what influences the actions that we take. When I say “being”. I’m referring to what is actually operating for us at the level of our beliefs, thoughts and emotions. Let’s say you’re self-employed and you know you need to make more money – yet you also believe that it’s impossible to make more money or bring in new clients in today’s current economy.
However, you know you need to take action so you go out and make cold calls, knock on people’s doors and advertise. The problem is that you’re taking action from a place of being “It’s not possible to make money in today’s economy.” This results in a lot of action, but little to show for it.
One of my clients believed that a spending plan would deprive her of freedom and that it would always be difficult to stick to. Because of this she kept coming up with “justifiable excuses” for putting off creating her spending plan.
How To Create a Financial Breakthrough
It was until we talked about who she was “being” in regards to her spending plan that she was able to see that sticking to her spending plan could actually provide her with the freedom she truly desired and give her the ability to make more conscious choices. She had a phenomenal breakthrough and was instantly motivated into action.
If you’re taking financial action, but not getting the results you desire in your life. Take a moment to reflect on “who you are being” in regards to money. It is by looking at who you’re being that you can transform yourself from being the mouse on the proverbial hamster wheel into taking action from a place of inspiration, ease and effortlessness.
Click here to sign up for my FREE webinar onWednesday March 31st, “Personal Transformation Through Money: How to Consciously Achieve Your Money Goals And Create Financial Success in Your Life.”
